i live right opposite this building. i love it. although, at the moment it’s completely empty and not at all the departmentstore it was in its glory days of 1935 when this photo was taken. shame. but since i’m on the top floor of the building opposite, all i can really see is the stunning deco architecture from the first floor and up. on the street level it’s tragically boarded up and only a faint memory of what it used to be.

here’s a picture of what it looks like now. my neighbourhood…

shame.

i’ve never been good with news. whether it’s new ways, new people, new values, new routines, or just general news. though somehow i never seem to have a problem with new shoes… but other than that, news always make me feel horribly uncomfortable and displaced. i always dislike new people to begin with, and even though they may not know it, it takes me a very long time to warm up to people and accept them as a part of my life. i tend to fight new ways and routines as far as i possibly can in order to stay with the old ways that i know and am comfortable with.

sometimes, these factors are completely out of my hands.

like when people close to me make decisions i can’t influence. when people make changes out of my control. and even though it may not be something directly affecting me, the fact that there’s been a change from what i used to know is enough to make me feel uneasy again. i need time to adjust and get acclimated to these new conditions.

i don’t like it.

though i would rather die than mean to say people should stay the same just to please me. i hope people will continue to live their lives at own accord and do what they need to do. all i’m saying is, it’s going to take me some time to get used to news and people’s decisions, accept them, and move on.

i moved on a long long time ago. so it shouldn’t feel weird for me that other people do it too. i guess i’d rather just not know about it.

ignorance is bliss.

i’m back in the red room in the big bed that has never served me well and never will. i found myself listening to damien rice and suddenly feeling far beyond delicate. i felt as if there was an expensive crystal vase breaking to pieces in my chest. it felt hard and cold and sharp. and making it worse is knowing that for as long as i’m the red room, i can not do anything about my situation and this pain. i mean, that’s why i left in the first place.

i leave tomorrow again, to go back. or home. or away. i’m still not sure where home is yet.

cookie once said “i always feel like home is where you have your boyfriend”. i can only agree with her. as sad and depending as it may sound, when there’s a boyfriend in the picture, it’s easier to feel at home somewhere. so for the last year and a bit, i’ve been forced to try and find my home somewhere on my own. i like to think i did alright in the end. though the loneliness and longing for something sustainable is crushing my insides slowly.

and so i find myself wondering if it’s ever going to work. maybe i wasn’t meant for great loves. a few flings, at most. but great loves? great, sustainable, heart-consuming loves? i’m not sure. for a very long time i’ve been trying to ignore these feelings, but with every day i feel them becoming more and more true. i’ve been trying to believe in myself, that i am worth something. that i deserve something wonderful. it’s proving rather difficult.

i’m listening to hakan hellström and i’m fourteen again. back then i had no idea what life was going to be about. i didn’t know about pains and loves, panic attacks and depressions, let downs, disappointments, fears or therapists. i believed in living in the present, doing whatever i felt like. that was before i encountered the feared subject of rent.

so i should finish packing so i can leave this red room again, for now. i’ll always come back, always in different forms. you see, i change too. and i find that equally as unsettling as any other change. but i know it’s imperative for the future to be able to go ahead like planned. i just don’t like it.

damien rice – cheers darlin’

you see her in town sometimes, her shoulders tense, a worried look on her face. do you ever stop to wonder who she is? do you ever stop to wonder what might have happened to her, that made her feel that way?

is she worried about something, is she stressed? is she thinking about someone far away, someone she used to know?

she’s wearing that scarf and that jacket you always liked, but somehow she doesn’t look the same. something behind her eyes has changed. other people see her as quiet, reserved, a bit arrogant at times, and most are scared to go near her – she might explode. or worse, have you explode. but really, far behind her eyes, she’s just wanting to be loved…in that understanding, uncomplicated way…by someone who’s just like her. but experiences are wearing her down. soon she won’t be more than a thin slither of her former self, all from being brushed against the hard edges of the world.

bright eyes – make war

the story so far:

ellie likes boy.
boy likes ellie.
boy explains why this is not going to happen and ellie should stop liking boy.
ellie snaps her toothbrush in half.
boy wants to stay friends.
ellie is dying inside.

bright eyes – hit the switch

i always have this strong urge to ask the people in the canteen at college, if they do student discount….

postal service – sleeping in

a breakup even before the first date? now i’ve really reached a new low.

patrick wolf – paris

what is it with you and men who are leaving the country? harry asked me once when we were still friends. until then i hadn’t made that connection, but i’m wondering now if maybe he was onto something..

today’s blabbering are coming from the college library where i’m partly researching colour theory, partly putting off today’s masses of work for my assessment tomorrow, and partly floating dreamingly away to distant lands where your friends are close by and your anxiety is not nearly as tangible. right now life seems a bit stressful to say the least, with tonnes and tonnes of work still to be done for tomorrow. at the other end of the tunnel though, are a new pair of shoes, an internet connection, cocktails and parties without the burden of work hanging over me.

good luck.

the tough alliance – something special

how is it that i can absolutely fine one minute, laughing along at vince noir’s witty comments and gorgeous mirror ball-suit, only to collapse completely the next, falling into one of those deep dark holes inside myself and not wanting to talk to anyone, or even breathe. where does it all come from? why can’t i stay in one mood for more than the same time it takes most people to have a cup of tea? angela says magnesium tablets are good for balancing your mood swings, i might have to try that. not only is it exhausting for me not knowing how i’m going to feel in the next half hour, but it’s also hard for the people around me when i can swing from nice and normal to “don’t touch me, i might explode”. yep, we really need to do something about this.

meanhwile, i’m finding stuff like this very exciting:

pretty…

this is my new Great Love:

and i’m expecting ten CDs to drop in by the end of the week-ish.

that’s happiness.

i’m supposed to be researching classical architechture, and although, as exciting as it might sound, i’m drifting and end up mostly browsing shoes. see, i’ve just come to the conclusion that i don’t have enough shoes. actually. like, for example, i don’t have anything like these:



like those gorgeous pair of boots from vagabond a few years ago. it still pains me i didn’t get them. but it’s hard to justify £100.

also, my very very very lovely vagabond wedges with lace are on sale now, in black patent leather and grey matte. what’s wrong with having two of something?

but no, i’m on detox at the moment, til the end of febuary. not drinking, not dating, not shopping, only taking care of myself. and my knitting. besides, that dating part was quite easy to lay off cause there’s not much going on there… but it still sounds good. mind, body and soul, on a complete detox. ironically enough, this might kill me, the sociable little person i am after all.

ok, enough ranting. back to the research. or the shoes. who knows.